A MOMENT IN TIME, AGAIN.

 

SHIELD

There is nothing as auspicious as feeling the power of a moment. Being fully present and immersing yourself in the wonderment and the magic when time all but stops and reflecting all that is bestowed upon you. It like the download finishes and the software opens all these exciting new possibilities are at your beckon call.

Imagine being totally and unequivocally in that state perpetually without end? I can. That is what I have spent most of my adult life trying to attain. Even when I was buried beneath the suffocating cloak of invisibility and depression, I still worked at achieving a better place, state of mind, lightness of spirit and depth of soul.

When the mania kicked in I grabbed it with white knuckled enthusiasm and pulled myself up to states of unbridled experiences of ecstasy. Or, was that neuro-chemical imbalance at work and play? I don’t know, but I do know that I experienced everyone moment. From the mundane to untamed sublime and beyond time was the bane of my existence, my guard and my guardian.

I felt like I did not have much time. With my specific diagnosis, I had a one in five chance of survival. I felt that I had a limited time on this plane of existence, as we all do, and I felt as if I was squandering it. I felt that I had a special purpose and that I was meant to make a difference, and so I felt like I was wasting days and burning daylight. I needed to get to work and quick.

There was a stretch there where I did not sleep at all for five days. I was writing with a fiery passion writing my magnum opus that would put mankind back on the sacred path to redemption and liberation.

I was swept up in a moment in time, again and again and again. I felt that I had the gift of insight and that I had the means to cure humanity of its ills and that I could make a difference. I had to or die trying. I have always had this gift or burden, call it what you will, that I must save the world. It is not a messiah complex. I want to do it without fanfare of recognition. I am in the moment right now. There is a slight hum, no thoughts, no concerns, no worries only the unending question in my heart and my head – How do I do it? I know why. Love. But the What and the How elude me.

What good is it being and experiencing a moment of time, again; if I cannot figure out my place and purpose in the Universe? I surmise living a virtuous life is its own reward but I need to make a difference. I was a healer and environmentalist trying to help the body and our home heal and foster good health and healing practices. But, at the end of the day one must pay the bills. So, what is a visionary who has trouble seeing a way forward, the mission and the message to do?

Well, I will continue to appreciate everything life must offer as I remain in the ever present now as I strive earnestly without hindrance until the dawn thru the darkest times never wavering in my quest to save Humanity from its collective Self.

JEFF TURNBULL

ANXIETY – THE SOUL KILLER.

Freedom of responsibility is the key, not Freedom from…

JEFF TURNBULL

ANXIETY DIAGRAM

Anxiety is the space or state between freedom and responsibility. If we run from our responsibilities we are not free, we are doomed. For sure our conscience and quilt will catch up to us and pull and drag us down.

So, we must be who we are and do what we must yet manage the difficulty. That feeling that causes us stress and puts us on high alert, causing us to focus on what we cannot change in that moment. What we can change is how we think and feel about that responsibility that is coming up, on the horizon, that looms over us and dooms us to worry and sleepless nights.

When we have the freedom to choose, what we do and how we act the choice is always ours. We can let it affect our health, our behavior, our attention, and intention or we can put things in their proper perspective and reframe our way of thinking and do what we can with what we have at the moment to do our best.

When we are thinking about the future in a worrisome negative light, we end up retroactively start to regret the past. Think about it? Don’t we get sucked into the future scenarios that haven’t even happened yet and then start to turn them around and then regret something we did, say, or think that led us to the situation that we are contemplating.

When we think about the future we end us regretting the past. Usually, I believe this is the case. Personally, when I consider something troublesome that I must do, I most often think – How did I let this happen. Take credit debt for instance. If the habit of overspending money that is not yours and that you must pay back at a high rate of interest is an issue that you have to take responsibility for, you regret your overspending and a bad habit of being a shop acholic.

If we can merge our inherent freedom with our responsibility, then that space or state of the anguish of future events disappear. Sounds impossible. How can I do that? One may ask? Well, if we are forever in the moment and practice good habits and are mindful of who we are, and our environment and our behavior, we can be and take responsibility for all things in the moment and achieve equanimity. Which is dealing with all things in a calm and balanced way.

It’s possible but we must do the work. Take responsibility for all aspects of our life, show up, and do the work necessary to achieve peace and tranquility and live a virtue-driven life in this loud and at times chaotic world.

 

THE WAY OF THE SHADOW WARRIOR.

 

 

I AM – A SHADOW WARRIOR

I have always considered myself lucky. I say that I have lived a charmed life for a reason. That is why I feel I must share my story. To live the ancient Greek maxim-“Know Thyself” is not as easy as it sounds. In addition, if one is not careful it can become an obsession and lead to a narcissistic black hole.

As a child, I was oblivious of the difficult years to come. However, I had my struggles. Looking back when I asked my father if I could talk to someone about what and how I was feeling and I was told that I had him and my mother to talk too, I see an opportunity early on where my life may have had a different trajectory. I say this to all parents who have little children who ask big questions to be mindful of their soul’s longing for answers to uncertainty and ambiguity.

It was not until I became a teenager and shared my heart with another that what would later be my lifelong nemesis began to present itself. When the seasons changed, I would find myself weeping uncontrollably. We would sit in my car and I would sob inconsolably for no apparent reason.

A few years later, I would be running amok with reckless abandon a risk to others and myself. I was dangerous to know and especially to love. My parents threw me out of the house and I ended up crashing at friends’ houses and woke up wherever I passed out. I partied hard, could not keep a job. I was lost, angry at the world and more importantly alone. My friends did not think I would make it past the age of twenty-one. I am now fifty-five.

I hope that by sharing my story of how I finally found a way out of the hell where I merely existed, if that, that I might help others. The hell I refer to was one of a chemical imbalance in my brain, learned helplessness, and a slew of bad habits. I am now at peace. I am whole. I am healthy

It is now my mission in life to help others. For those who do not have the skills and the tools or the wherewithal to change their lives’. To transform their lives’ into a life they have only thus far imagined.

It has been a long journey. One in which I would not change a thing. If I did, I would not be who I am today. I do not know what tomorrow holds; however, now I am able to deal with whatever may present itself. Life is an adventure, embrace the struggle, learn from it, and move on to live a whole and healthy life.

JEFF TURNBULL