A MOMENT IN TIME, AGAIN.

 

SHIELD

There is nothing as auspicious as feeling the power of a moment. Being fully present and immersing yourself in the wonderment and the magic when time all but stops and reflecting all that is bestowed upon you. It like the download finishes and the software opens all these exciting new possibilities are at your beckon call.

Imagine being totally and unequivocally in that state perpetually without end? I can. That is what I have spent most of my adult life trying to attain. Even when I was buried beneath the suffocating cloak of invisibility and depression, I still worked at achieving a better place, state of mind, lightness of spirit and depth of soul.

When the mania kicked in I grabbed it with white knuckled enthusiasm and pulled myself up to states of unbridled experiences of ecstasy. Or, was that neuro-chemical imbalance at work and play? I don’t know, but I do know that I experienced everyone moment. From the mundane to untamed sublime and beyond time was the bane of my existence, my guard and my guardian.

I felt like I did not have much time. With my specific diagnosis, I had a one in five chance of survival. I felt that I had a limited time on this plane of existence, as we all do, and I felt as if I was squandering it. I felt that I had a special purpose and that I was meant to make a difference, and so I felt like I was wasting days and burning daylight. I needed to get to work and quick.

There was a stretch there where I did not sleep at all for five days. I was writing with a fiery passion writing my magnum opus that would put mankind back on the sacred path to redemption and liberation.

I was swept up in a moment in time, again and again and again. I felt that I had the gift of insight and that I had the means to cure humanity of its ills and that I could make a difference. I had to or die trying. I have always had this gift or burden, call it what you will, that I must save the world. It is not a messiah complex. I want to do it without fanfare of recognition. I am in the moment right now. There is a slight hum, no thoughts, no concerns, no worries only the unending question in my heart and my head – How do I do it? I know why. Love. But the What and the How elude me.

What good is it being and experiencing a moment of time, again; if I cannot figure out my place and purpose in the Universe? I surmise living a virtuous life is its own reward but I need to make a difference. I was a healer and environmentalist trying to help the body and our home heal and foster good health and healing practices. But, at the end of the day one must pay the bills. So, what is a visionary who has trouble seeing a way forward, the mission and the message to do?

Well, I will continue to appreciate everything life must offer as I remain in the ever present now as I strive earnestly without hindrance until the dawn thru the darkest times never wavering in my quest to save Humanity from its collective Self.

JEFF TURNBULL

THE LUNAR ECLIPSE OF THE SOUL

 

Ends at the Dawn of Awareness.

BY: JEFF TURNBULL

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Lately, I have been really struggling with being present. A dark cloud had descended. A cloud of uncertainty and change. These are both usually both my optimum situations. I am most creative when things are in flux and at times chaotic. No challenge no change.

But, because it involves my responsibility and my freedom it invariably causes stress. Is it manageable? Yes, if I apply the appropriate thinking, feeling and exhort the required willing. It will all work itself out. I pride myself on being a large cat who always lands on his feet.

However, If I am not diligent and vigilant, I could fall into old patterns, habits, and tendencies and I will fall short, miss the mark, and have to work that much harder under worse circumstances to right the ship and get back to ground zero.

So, when things seem darkest it is time to turn up the heat, show up and shine, and don’t let your shadow side move in your way and block the light of creativity, identity, and purpose. The mission does not stop because the specter of difficulty looms large on the horizon. No, that is when you assert maximum effort and rise to meet the challenge.

If something seems familiar and you know the previous outcome, change your game, the game. Do not let something like a dreadful day, reversal of fortune bring you low or take you down. These are lessons. Learn from them. I spent two decades contemplating suicide every day all day. I found a reason. That reason is I was not done yet.

The sun is shining somewhere. When the weight of the world and the darkest of the darkest night of the soul is trying you. Try something new. Depression is anger turned inwards, self-loathing. We think of taking our life because we do not see anything ever changing. My cousin took his life. Another dropped off the planet. Everybody we know knows someone who just could not take it any longer.

The darkness robs us of the light. I recently went into my shadow self to do some work on myself, to do some research, to root around for something I left behind. It’s there, I know it is. But, I stayed too long and had trouble getting out. Then my physiology began to change. The old triggers were pulled and switches flipped. I was in the dark, alone.

It’s oppressive in there. I felt empty. I thought of ending it, the pull was so strong. Then I remembered. Wait… I am not done yet. I have not done what I was sent here to do. There is work that needs to be done. Work only I can do.

So enough of the poor me bullshit. Sally has sucked it up. I have put on my big boy pants. I have expressed gratitude, changed my attitude, forgiven myself, and I feel more than enough.

It has dawned on me that, If I don’t do it now, no one else will. This crazy diamond is going to shine on and work the magic, inspire greatness and heal and transform all those I encounter.