A MOMENT IN TIME, AGAIN.

 

SHIELD

There is nothing as auspicious as feeling the power of a moment. Being fully present and immersing yourself in the wonderment and the magic when time all but stops and reflecting all that is bestowed upon you. It like the download finishes and the software opens all these exciting new possibilities are at your beckon call.

Imagine being totally and unequivocally in that state perpetually without end? I can. That is what I have spent most of my adult life trying to attain. Even when I was buried beneath the suffocating cloak of invisibility and depression, I still worked at achieving a better place, state of mind, lightness of spirit and depth of soul.

When the mania kicked in I grabbed it with white knuckled enthusiasm and pulled myself up to states of unbridled experiences of ecstasy. Or, was that neuro-chemical imbalance at work and play? I don’t know, but I do know that I experienced everyone moment. From the mundane to untamed sublime and beyond time was the bane of my existence, my guard and my guardian.

I felt like I did not have much time. With my specific diagnosis, I had a one in five chance of survival. I felt that I had a limited time on this plane of existence, as we all do, and I felt as if I was squandering it. I felt that I had a special purpose and that I was meant to make a difference, and so I felt like I was wasting days and burning daylight. I needed to get to work and quick.

There was a stretch there where I did not sleep at all for five days. I was writing with a fiery passion writing my magnum opus that would put mankind back on the sacred path to redemption and liberation.

I was swept up in a moment in time, again and again and again. I felt that I had the gift of insight and that I had the means to cure humanity of its ills and that I could make a difference. I had to or die trying. I have always had this gift or burden, call it what you will, that I must save the world. It is not a messiah complex. I want to do it without fanfare of recognition. I am in the moment right now. There is a slight hum, no thoughts, no concerns, no worries only the unending question in my heart and my head – How do I do it? I know why. Love. But the What and the How elude me.

What good is it being and experiencing a moment of time, again; if I cannot figure out my place and purpose in the Universe? I surmise living a virtuous life is its own reward but I need to make a difference. I was a healer and environmentalist trying to help the body and our home heal and foster good health and healing practices. But, at the end of the day one must pay the bills. So, what is a visionary who has trouble seeing a way forward, the mission and the message to do?

Well, I will continue to appreciate everything life must offer as I remain in the ever present now as I strive earnestly without hindrance until the dawn thru the darkest times never wavering in my quest to save Humanity from its collective Self.

JEFF TURNBULL

THE MISSION – WELLBEING

ONWARDS, INWARDS, UPWARDS.

BY: JEFF TURNBULL

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My Soul’s purpose is to help Neurodivergent people like me or people who may with no good luck of their own develop a brain disorder, or suffer such a terrible life event that they enter our realm and may need guidance.

Me? I was broken. I was damaged. But, it did not happen all at once. It started with a crack. To this day, I still do not know the origin of the fracture, the fault line that slowly tore me apart and left me in pieces.

I spent a lifetime trying to figure out when, how, what, where, and who? But, perhaps it was just simple chemistry. No more. It does not matter. I assembled the disparate parts and reunited them and that piece, that missing piece, the piece I keep going into the dark to find, where that missing piece, where it used to be is where the light gets in.

The light illuminated me within and then throughout and purged and cleansed and purified and lifted me up and onto a higher plane of awareness and experience. What makes music beautiful is not so much the notes as the spaces, the rests and pauses which allows us to enjoy the stillness and the emptiness so that the sound, the light may enter and occupy and enshroud the fullness of and the magnification of the All, the Divine and Universal Mind of Being.

I am grateful that I have survived, that I may help others. Because I have contemplated ending my life every day for more years than I can remember. But, now I embrace each moment. I wake each morning energized and encouraged that come what may I can handle anything, and find the positive in the negativity of a situation. See the love amongst the fearful moments and the ray of light through the darkness. I am duty-bound to take what I have learned and to help others find their way out of the shadows of oblivion and step into the light and to find their gifts, treasures, and strengths free of ego so that they may live a meaningful and purposeful life.

There can be no shadows without light and no strength without struggle and change without challenge. I believe that happiness and good can be found in the purity of love while we seek our truth. Evil is found in willful ignorance and turning a blind eye to, the absence of, and a distortion of the truth. It is for all of us to find our way through the thicket of lies, fear, hatred that is Hell, so that we may value love, light, and the truth as we deliver ourselves from the bondage of the ego.

Without the trial and tribulations that we enter along the dark highway of awakening we would never know that we are beings of light and the pilgrims of Eternity.

 

ANXIETY – THE SOUL KILLER.

Freedom of responsibility is the key, not Freedom from…

JEFF TURNBULL

ANXIETY DIAGRAM

Anxiety is the space or state between freedom and responsibility. If we run from our responsibilities we are not free, we are doomed. For sure our conscience and quilt will catch up to us and pull and drag us down.

So, we must be who we are and do what we must yet manage the difficulty. That feeling that causes us stress and puts us on high alert, causing us to focus on what we cannot change in that moment. What we can change is how we think and feel about that responsibility that is coming up, on the horizon, that looms over us and dooms us to worry and sleepless nights.

When we have the freedom to choose, what we do and how we act the choice is always ours. We can let it affect our health, our behavior, our attention, and intention or we can put things in their proper perspective and reframe our way of thinking and do what we can with what we have at the moment to do our best.

When we are thinking about the future in a worrisome negative light, we end up retroactively start to regret the past. Think about it? Don’t we get sucked into the future scenarios that haven’t even happened yet and then start to turn them around and then regret something we did, say, or think that led us to the situation that we are contemplating.

When we think about the future we end us regretting the past. Usually, I believe this is the case. Personally, when I consider something troublesome that I must do, I most often think – How did I let this happen. Take credit debt for instance. If the habit of overspending money that is not yours and that you must pay back at a high rate of interest is an issue that you have to take responsibility for, you regret your overspending and a bad habit of being a shop acholic.

If we can merge our inherent freedom with our responsibility, then that space or state of the anguish of future events disappear. Sounds impossible. How can I do that? One may ask? Well, if we are forever in the moment and practice good habits and are mindful of who we are, and our environment and our behavior, we can be and take responsibility for all things in the moment and achieve equanimity. Which is dealing with all things in a calm and balanced way.

It’s possible but we must do the work. Take responsibility for all aspects of our life, show up, and do the work necessary to achieve peace and tranquility and live a virtue-driven life in this loud and at times chaotic world.

 

ANXIETY AND THE HOLLOW MAN

 

And, the perils of self-pity.

BY: JEFF TURNBULL

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If we allow ourselves to get run down and deplete our vital life force we feel empty. We are more prone to lose confidence and doubt our resolve. I know this for a fact because when I am feeling run down, overtired, or even just hungry, I want to dump everything and change direction.

When this happens, it is just a hop and skip and jump away from worrying about the future. I lose focus and direction. I get stressed and I start to be concerned that I will never get anything done.

Full catastrophe mode is not far behind and a sense of hopelessness may enter the picture and obscure any thought of growth, grit, gains or glory. Then it is just a stone’s throw away from self-pity. A lapse in confidence and we see ourselves circling the drain into oblivion.

That is why mindset and mindfulness and vigilance is so important. Anxiety is that place or space between freedom and responsibility. If we think about the future we end up regretting the past. It’s a vicious circle, and as we cycle through these fruitless exercises we run through our reserves of willpower and resilience.

If can stay present and realize we have the freedom we desire at any given moment via free will to choose how we think, feel and will what we desire. We must remember that the multiplicity of environments and people and experiences that we encounter each day will challenge us and will demand that we rise to meet them.

It is up to us to remain full of positive thoughts about the now and not to feel overwhelmed and to show up not give up when we feel our tank start to empty. We need to practice self-care because if we don’t take care of our own needs and energy we cannot bring the light, love, and brilliance to our family, friends and team members.

Recently, I am letting the Universe take the wheel. I don’t pull or push too hard and I yield if the energy is not right and I trust my intuition and I practice gratitude even for the struggle and forgive myself daily for my shortcomings and I constantly check my attitude to see if it needs adjusting.

I work to stay energized and free of judgment and keep my mind, heart, and self-open to all possibilities because I don’t want to be a depleted, hallow, whiny underachiever.

THE LUNAR ECLIPSE OF THE SOUL

 

Ends at the Dawn of Awareness.

BY: JEFF TURNBULL

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Lately, I have been really struggling with being present. A dark cloud had descended. A cloud of uncertainty and change. These are both usually both my optimum situations. I am most creative when things are in flux and at times chaotic. No challenge no change.

But, because it involves my responsibility and my freedom it invariably causes stress. Is it manageable? Yes, if I apply the appropriate thinking, feeling and exhort the required willing. It will all work itself out. I pride myself on being a large cat who always lands on his feet.

However, If I am not diligent and vigilant, I could fall into old patterns, habits, and tendencies and I will fall short, miss the mark, and have to work that much harder under worse circumstances to right the ship and get back to ground zero.

So, when things seem darkest it is time to turn up the heat, show up and shine, and don’t let your shadow side move in your way and block the light of creativity, identity, and purpose. The mission does not stop because the specter of difficulty looms large on the horizon. No, that is when you assert maximum effort and rise to meet the challenge.

If something seems familiar and you know the previous outcome, change your game, the game. Do not let something like a dreadful day, reversal of fortune bring you low or take you down. These are lessons. Learn from them. I spent two decades contemplating suicide every day all day. I found a reason. That reason is I was not done yet.

The sun is shining somewhere. When the weight of the world and the darkest of the darkest night of the soul is trying you. Try something new. Depression is anger turned inwards, self-loathing. We think of taking our life because we do not see anything ever changing. My cousin took his life. Another dropped off the planet. Everybody we know knows someone who just could not take it any longer.

The darkness robs us of the light. I recently went into my shadow self to do some work on myself, to do some research, to root around for something I left behind. It’s there, I know it is. But, I stayed too long and had trouble getting out. Then my physiology began to change. The old triggers were pulled and switches flipped. I was in the dark, alone.

It’s oppressive in there. I felt empty. I thought of ending it, the pull was so strong. Then I remembered. Wait… I am not done yet. I have not done what I was sent here to do. There is work that needs to be done. Work only I can do.

So enough of the poor me bullshit. Sally has sucked it up. I have put on my big boy pants. I have expressed gratitude, changed my attitude, forgiven myself, and I feel more than enough.

It has dawned on me that, If I don’t do it now, no one else will. This crazy diamond is going to shine on and work the magic, inspire greatness and heal and transform all those I encounter.