Ends at the Dawn of Awareness.
BY: JEFF TURNBULL
Lately, I have been really struggling with being present. A dark cloud had descended. A cloud of uncertainty and change. These are both usually both my optimum situations. I am most creative when things are in flux and at times chaotic. No challenge no change.
But, because it involves my responsibility and my freedom it invariably causes stress. Is it manageable? Yes, if I apply the appropriate thinking, feeling and exhort the required willing. It will all work itself out. I pride myself on being a large cat who always lands on his feet.
However, If I am not diligent and vigilant, I could fall into old patterns, habits, and tendencies and I will fall short, miss the mark, and have to work that much harder under worse circumstances to right the ship and get back to ground zero.
So, when things seem darkest it is time to turn up the heat, show up and shine, and don’t let your shadow side move in your way and block the light of creativity, identity, and purpose. The mission does not stop because the specter of difficulty looms large on the horizon. No, that is when you assert maximum effort and rise to meet the challenge.
If something seems familiar and you know the previous outcome, change your game, the game. Do not let something like a dreadful day, reversal of fortune bring you low or take you down. These are lessons. Learn from them. I spent two decades contemplating suicide every day all day. I found a reason. That reason is I was not done yet.
The sun is shining somewhere. When the weight of the world and the darkest of the darkest night of the soul is trying you. Try something new. Depression is anger turned inwards, self-loathing. We think of taking our life because we do not see anything ever changing. My cousin took his life. Another dropped off the planet. Everybody we know knows someone who just could not take it any longer.
The darkness robs us of the light. I recently went into my shadow self to do some work on myself, to do some research, to root around for something I left behind. It’s there, I know it is. But, I stayed too long and had trouble getting out. Then my physiology began to change. The old triggers were pulled and switches flipped. I was in the dark, alone.
It’s oppressive in there. I felt empty. I thought of ending it, the pull was so strong. Then I remembered. Wait… I am not done yet. I have not done what I was sent here to do. There is work that needs to be done. Work only I can do.
So enough of the poor me bullshit. Sally has sucked it up. I have put on my big boy pants. I have expressed gratitude, changed my attitude, forgiven myself, and I feel more than enough.
It has dawned on me that, If I don’t do it now, no one else will. This crazy diamond is going to shine on and work the magic, inspire greatness and heal and transform all those I encounter.