Self-Will: Standing in our own way!


Our Ego or Self-Will refuses to be wrong, weak, or defective. So, it pushes things into the shadows of our being and away from the light of potentiality. It does not want to be insecure so it stands watch and in doing so it stands in our own way.

Some of the things back there in the darkness are treasures which we thought we needed to suppress due to the environment, lack of nurturing, insecurity and even misunderstanding. If I am an artist but my conservative father thinks that art is for sissies’ odds are that I won’t join the choir either and I wouldn’t want to disappoint dear old dad so my life is and will be completely different than I might imagine it to be. No career on Broadway or in the fine arts. So, I may turn to doing graffiti and become a tagger, perhaps I will get arrested and then get beat up in jail. Maybe I fall into a deep depression and eventually kill myself.

Something to think about it. I became a stockbroker because I thought the old man might respect me. I went for the gold, fame, and fortune when I could have explored my music, writing, sought my real passion. But, I was afraid to share. Instead, I assumed. And, looking back, not in sorrow or with nostalgia but more on a lesson for moving forward and to share because I care.

Go into that dark closet confront your demons and wrestle with some angels and go on a quest for the magic elixir. You never know what forgotten treasure could be lurking back there in the shadows.

Our Self-Will will tell us we are ok. It will. It will tell you that the past is the past, look to the future. You wouldn’t go on vacation without stopping your mail or making sure all the windows are latched. Why wait. Self-Exploration into the darker side of your being could pay dividends. You just might find what you have been looking for all your life.

Memoires will return. Unfulfilled dreams and desires, the good kind, will resurface. I am not advising going into therapy and spend all kinds of money complaining that you did not get what you needed as a child, that is a given… what I am recommending that when you realize a part of your shadow self is surfacing is that you take a moment step back into the neutral gray zone and access what is going on, savor the feelings and the thoughts that arise. Ask yourself why would I feel this, when have I felt this before, and why now is it coming to the fore?

The times when the shadow may make an appearance is when you are stressed, anxious or angry. This recently happened to me. I got stressed about some unwelcome news, and instead of taking some time and appreciating the opportunity to do some work on myself, I lost my patience, my sense of humor and my temper. I was like – where the hell did that come? But later after careful reflection, I understood. I had a lot of things build up and I don’t like to let others done, the damn broke and I went empty on my tank of resilience.

Be self-aware of yourself. Please try this it at home. The more you know…

Jeff S Turnbull

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