I am an Enigma, I will confess.
ENIGMA: A person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.
I will own that I am complex and at times aloof, or distant. I can be fully engaged one moment then swept a thousand miles away in thought the next. I rarely let people in, if so it is usually just a little, and I am slow to trust anyone, especially myself.
Recently, I opened up to a new friend, a close friend. We took the time to know each other and shared our values and what is important us. It turned out that we had a lot in common. Over time, we bonded, and our conversations drew me closer to her and in time, I felt that our souls were connecting. We were communicating in that space where I felt that she saw the real me, and appreciated who I was and what I stood for, and I felt
the same about her.
I fell in love with her – Heart and Soul. Deep are my feelings and affection for her. All of Me Loves All of Her and more. Words cannot express what I feel. What was believed to be hard as a rock and closed for life – My Heart, was alive again and ready to be opened and what lie within –shared.
There was just one problem – she is married. What should I do? I struggled with what to do. Do I keep it from her, which felt like a lie, suck it up and deal with the fact that it was not meant to be. I did not even know how she felt. That did not matter because she is not available. That aside, I was dying a slow death. I did not want to tell her yet I felt that I should. I did not expect to have her fall into my arms, and we live happily ever after. I tried not to have any attachment to any outcome.
I am good with other’s feelings not my own. I am also terrible at social cues. I can read your mind, empathize, and feel what you are feeling but when the usual signals I am clueless. Most likely because I do not feel like I am worthy of being loved and cared for by another.
It has been longer than I can remember since I have been held or loved, caressed or kissed. I live a solitary existence and feel isolated when I am in a crowd. My thinking is expansive, and my feeling has the depth and breadth of the greatest ocean. I walk alone. This I will not change until I can open up. When I can stop being an Enigma and being remove from the rest of society perhaps, I can share all that I have to give
Mystery: Something that is difficult to understand and explain.
Vortex: A mass of whirling fluid or air, especially a whirlpool or whirlwind.
I am also a Vortex. The whirling air is my thoughts, my spirit. The swirling water my feelings, my soul. They are ever whirling and swirling and always seek to find their home.
When I am in her presence, I find peace and comfort in her gaze. She looks at me as if she is peering into my soul. The world stops when she calls my name. What was dormant awakens.
I am an Agent of Change always seeking new ways to make this Life better for all. I do not know if I will ever find Peace the likes of what I feel when I am in her orbit. However, I will seek within and without until that day, do, and be my best while trying.
Jeff S Turnbull